


It's gonna be okay

by Sparkling_Archangel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Graphic Description, Happy Ending, Hurt Gabriel, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-03 21:48:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10259240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sparkling_Archangel/pseuds/Sparkling_Archangel
Summary: Gabriel lived at the bunker with Sam, Dean and Castiel, but he had problems with self-harming(WARNING : potentially triggering)





	

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : graphic description of self-harm, blood, blades. Highly triggering, please don’t read if you’re actually struggling with that.  
> Read all the tags, they are all true. You can’t just skip the triggering parts, they are almost everywhere. 
> 
> Written because I needed it, don’t wanna trigger you, please, be careful and keep fighting
> 
> English is not my native language and this is not proof-read

« You’re coming? We’re waiting for you, Dean said that the movie is already on, said Sam.  
-‘m coming, answered Gabriel, just a few minutes.”

The noise of Sam’s footsteps decreased in the corridor until the silence came back in this part of the bunker. Alone in the locked bathroom, Gabriel let go a sigh. Since he had settled in the bunker with Castiel and the Winchester brothers, he sometimes needed to be alone like that. They were all noisy at times, even if he liked them all, and they accepted without any problem his need of privacy.

At least it was the official reason pushing Gabriel to lock himself alone in this bathroom.

He sighed again and slowly sit on the floor. The blade was shiny between his fingers. Just a fragment of metal, made in the same way as the angel blades. A normal blade would have not harm him, but this one was as effective on him as a knife or a razor blade on a human.  
Gabriel listened to his own breath while observing the light reflecting on the blade. He didn’t need that, not today. All was well, he didn’t have any reason to do that. Howewer, an irrepressible desire was pushing him to act. 

Just one, he finally said to himself to stop his contradictory thoughts and he carefully lifted up his left sleeve. Then, he removed his watch and the multiples rubber bracelets he was wearing on this arm, revealing old and new memories, engraved in his skin. Dean and Sam had already mocked this accumulation of bracelets, but he had replied that they were funny. While thinking that they were perfectly hiding his arm. 

Just one, he repeated to himself, sliding the blade on his forearm, a few centimetres below the wrist, observing the blood pearling and the dull burn appeasing his aching heart for a second.

He never made just one, but three was not so bad, he thought while soaking with a long strip of toilet paper. He carefully cleaned the blade and snapped it away, and then cleaned his new cuts with water and soap, wincing under the sensation. Then he clumsily placed some bandages on it to avoid having blood on his clothes, put back his watch, his bracelets and then his sleeve. Perfect. He ckecked that nothing could betray him, nervously pulling on his left sleeve, and left the room. For a few hours, he was appeased and ready to face the world. 

“Took you a long time, noted Sam when the archangel sit on the sofa next to Castiel.  
-I already saw this movie, he answered. Not important if I missed a few minutes.”

The slight burn Gabriel was feeling helped him to stay concentrated, and he watched almost the whole movie without too much black ideas. He even participated with a happy tone to the conversation, attentive to totally hide his state of mind. 

A long time after, in the middle of the night, Gabriel was back in the bathroom, alone again. The Winchesters brothers were sleeping for a few hours and Castiel was certainly in the library. Blood had passed through the bandages, and he quickly washed his shirt but a snap, but he didn’t heal the cuts.

On the move, giving away to the temptation had helped him. Now he was regretting what he has done. He got the feeling to be a monster, a horrible creature needing to cut its own flesh to live one more day. Sited on the floor, curled on himself, he started to quietly cry. Never again, he promised to himself. Totally conscious that his promise won’t last more than a few days. 

\---

« You never leave this shirt? Asked Sam two days after. You’re not too hot with the long sleeves?  
-No, that’s good, answered Gabriel, using his powers to hide that he was dying under the heat of july. And I like it. “

Sam didn’t ask any more questions, after all the archangel did what he wanted, and it was his problem if he was overheating. Gabriel let go a discreet sigh of relief, and anxiously pulled on his left sleeve, sure that Sam wasn’t looking anymore. Sam noted the gesture and the sigh, but preferred to not say a word and went back on his research. 

Gabriel left on the table the book he was reading and mumbled that he needed to find another one. The two hunters were doing some research in the main room, and Castiel, without doing any research, was staying just next to them, so the bunker library was deserted.

The forearm was becoming too risky, too visible, he decided while rolling his left pant leg over his knee. Nobody would never see something there. Gabriel blurted a frustrated mumble, the feeling was less intense than on his arm and he knew from his own experience that it was less appeasing there. Just one, he was repeating to himself over and over, even when he was doing the second one. Just one more. An only one, it was nothing.

Four. Quite accetable. He was feeling better. And swore when he noted the important amount of blood. Less sensation here, he had pressed harder to feel same thing.  
“Shit shit shit, he grunted while soaking as quick as possible the blood running on his leg.”

The three others were waiting for him, he couldn’t be absent for too long. After a few minutes, the blood flood stopped, to his great relief. He hid the blade, snapped away the dirty tissues and put back his pant leg. Perfect. Nobody would noticed. 

Gabriel got back to the main room, trying to not change his gait despite of the unpleasant feeling of the fabric scrubbing on the cuts.  
“Didn’t find what I was looking for, he said, sitting.  
-You’ve been injured in the library? Asked Sam with a sincere worry tone.”

The panic quickly rushed over the archangel who quickly gave a look to his leg. The blood hadn’t stop at all like he thought, and a large dark spot was spreading on his jeans. Quick, lying, hiding, finding something. He was the trickster after all. 

“Hm? Oh yeah, didn’t note that. I certainly bumped on a wall, or kneel on something sharp I think. Must not be serious, because I didn’t see that before, he answered with a smile.”

He snapped his fingers, cleaning his jeans but not healing the cuts.  
“Here it is, it was really nothing.”

Sam nodded without answering, obviously more preoccupied by the case they were working on than by a non-serious wound on a creature who can easily heal. Gabriel congratulated himself internally.

\---

« You got a problem Gabriel? Asked Dean, a few days after.  
-No, why do you say that? Answered the archangel, frowning.  
-‘cause you’re scratching your arm since a few minutes like if it was the most important task ever.  
-A mosquito bit me.  
-Mosquitos attack feathered like you?  
-Of course, they bit everybody.  
-I’ve never been bit by a mosquito, added Castiel.”

Gabriel refrained himself to give him a killer look. An idea, a lie, something quick.  
“It must because of all the sugar I eat. Everybody says that mosquitos like sugar. So I think they like me, he tried.  
-Hm, maybe, answered Dean.”

A mosquito. Really a bad lie. But still better that admitting that his cuts were healing slowly and that it was itching very badly. He did his best to stop scratching, at least the time for the hunter and the angel to forget that. 

He was not enough careful, he reproached to himself. Somebody was going to note something a day or another. 

A resolved case after, the Winchesters helped by Castiel and Gabriel were finishing to destroy a nest of vampires frightening a small town.  
“Good job, commented Dean going out of the hiding place full of beheaded vamps.  
-Yeah, that’s was quick aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand… yelled Sam, tripping.”

The youngest Winchester stopped himself in his fall catching the nearest support, which was Gabriel. The archangel winced when the hunter’s fingers wrapped around his arm. And quietly cursed when he noted that his sleeve had been a little bit rolled up by the move.  
“Your skin is strange, isn’t it? Noticed Sam, back on his feet. Like striped, or rough.”

Not enough careful, it was going to end in a bad way. He quickly pulled back his sleeve.  
“Yeah, hem, that’s nothing, I fall down a couple hours ago, and I scratched my arm against a wall. It’s nothing, I’m gonna deal with that.”

Sam stared at him a few seconds, not convinced at all. Gabriel swallowed with difficulty, praying for the hunter to be convinced. Sam finally turned the eyes away without a word, apparently accepting the explanation. Gabriel anxiously pulled on his sleeve to be sure everything was perfectly hidden. 

\---

Gabriel was aware that he was cracking increasingly often and that from a cut sometimes he was arrived to several each day. He needed that more and more, just to keep fighting a little bit more. Dean, Sam and Castiel seemed to be more observing than usual, or maybe he was simply not careful enough. He was even starting to run out of lies and ideas… a unfortunate meeting with a cat, a lot of falls, cooking fails… he had used everything he could.

Gabriel had gave up his too thin shirt for a long sleeved teeshirt and a thick black hoodie, and the comments of the three others had stopped. His lies, his usual bracelets and that, he really had found the perfect combination to hide all of that. 

This evening, the Winchesters and Castiel were once again watching a movie, and Gabriel had mumbled an excuse before locking himself in the bathroom. 

Gabriel was feeling horribly guilty to crack like that, but he needed that. Needed for what, he didn’t know, but he just couldn’t stop himself from doing it. He had tried a few methods found on the Web to stop the need but it was not really working. It worked sometimes, but the next need was every time worst. 

He sighed. He was resisting for a week now, always tempted by the need to cut himself, all the sharps or cutting items he saw seemed like real friends. He had resisted, made each day a little cross in a notebook. But this night, he wasn’t able to hold it anymore. 

A few minutes after, all the efforts he made this past week were destroyed. Gabriel sat on the floor. The usual feeling of appeasement, this feeling he wanted so much, was not here. Before, just one cut was enough. Now… even the eight cuts he just made weren’t enough. Blood was running on his arm, his hand, the floor. He quickly tried to soak it, but it wasn’t stopping. Panic began to rush over him. And what if he had gone too far? It was certainly better like that, he though before bursting in tears. He didn’t want that, not wanted to be a monster.  
“Gabe?”

Sam’s voice made him startled. The hunter was gently knocking against the locked door.  
“Gabriel, is everyting ok? He asked, worried.”

The archangel quickly glanced at door, making sure it was closed.  
“’m good, coming, he answered with a voice he wanted assured.  
-No, you’re not ok. Open that door, ordered Sam.  
-No, I’m better here alone. Go back to watch the movie and leave me alone please, Gabriel achieved to say between two sobs he was trying to suppress in his arms.  
-I just wanna help you.  
-Don’t need help, thanks, that’s nice. Go away now.”

Sam cursed and tried to open the door, without any success. Then, to Gabriel’s big relied, the hunter moved away in the corridor. He allowed himself to cry again and looked for his blade with the tips of his fingers, on the floor near him.  
A new footsteps noise came.  
“Gabriel?”

Castiel now, growled Gabriel internally.  
“Go away Castiel.  
-Sam told me that you needed help and that you weren’t letting him inside.  
-Wrong! I don’t need help. Go away now. Please.”

The archangel was hardly trying to repress his sobs and to stop the blood from smudging his clothes. He felt Castiel’s mojo and jut got the time to put back his sleeve and snap away all the proofs before the angel appeared next to him, with Sam and Dean.  
“Out! He spitted. I don’t need help. Buzz off ! Go ! Now ! »

Sam slowly knelt near him and took the archangel’s hands in his.  
“Everything is okay Gabe.  
-Leave me, Gabriel weakly whined, but not trying to remove his hands from the hunter’s ones. Leave me alone.”

Castiel sat on his right side without a word and put his arm on his shoulders, while Dean sat behind him and slowly began to rub his back with his hand to try to calm him.  
“It’s gonna be okay, repeated Sam, wrapping the archangel in his arms.  
-‘m a monster, whispered Gabriel between two sobs.  
-Not at all, answered Sam, hugging him tight. You just need help, that doesn’t mean you’re a monster.”

Several minutes passed, Sam was still hugging Gabriel, Dean was still rubbing slowly and Castiel’s arms was still on his shoulders. The archangel finally calmed down a little, his sobs turning into silent tears.  
“Can I see? Asked Sam.  
-Don’t know, mumbled the archangel. Too ashamed.  
-As you wish, reassured Sam, getting back a little bit. But you don’t have to be ashamed. It’s not a shame to not be right and to need that.”

The hunter took back Gabriel’s hands in his.  
“But the amount of blood is quite huge, you should let me see, he said, worried. “

The archangel glanced to his arm and started to cry again. Blood had got through his tee-shirt and hoodie sleeves, and was forming a dark and greasy spot, visible despite the black fabric. He let Castiel and Dean taking off his stained clothes without resisting, just holding Sam’s hands and crying.  
“I can heal you with my powers, said Castiel.”

Gabriel shook his head.  
“No… please.  
-Ok, quickly answered the angel, I won’t do anything you don’t want. »

Gabriel closed his eyes and let his head fall on his brother shoulder while the two hunters were taking care of his cuts. His tears redoubled when Dean disinfected the wounds with medical alcohol, and the hunter began to apologize, apologies the archangel refused with a gesture of his other hand. Once his cuts correctly cleaned and covered with bandages, Gabriel continued to let the angel and the two hunters to take care of everything. 

Castiel used his powers to conjure one of Sam’s shirts and helped his brother to put on the too large piece of clothing, avoiding the friction on his arm. Dean wrapped him up in a plaid and Sam lifted him in his arms, despite Gabriel’s weak protestations. 

Sam sat on the sofa with Gabriel on his lap, still wrapped in his plaid. Dean and Castiel sat on each side of the youngest Winchester.  
“How did you figure it out? Finally asked Gabriel with a weak voice.  
-Your lies are good, but it was too much, answered Dean.  
-You’re always pulling on your left sleeve, added Castiel.  
-I know what it is, said Sam. Even if I’m out of that for years now, I will never forget. It will be okay Gabriel, everything is gonna get better. At that time, I wouldn’t have believed that. But I swear it’s true, that one day you will be better and that you won’t need that anymore. Just let yourself have the time you need and be kind with yourself.  
-Kind? Got the feeling that I’m a monster… he whispered.  
-You’re not a monster. You’re just going through bad moments, it can arrive to anybody. It’s okay, we’re gonna help you. Everything will be alright.”

Gabriel didn’t answered, and just snuggle a little bit more against Sam. There will be other cracking, other desperation moments, but for now, he wanted to believe in that. Sam, Dean and Castiel were going to help him to get out of this addiction, and one day, it would be just bad memories.

**Author's Note:**

> Every person has a different vision of SH, this is just mine, don't feel offended if it's not yours.
> 
> Be careful and kind to yourself


End file.
